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The 50s had Benjamin Spock.  The 90s had Oprah.  We have the sage wisdom of Rep. Louise Slaughter.  Concerned over the bloodshed in Tucson last weekend—who isn’t? — the democrat from New York zeroed in on the social problem with that razor sharp sagacity that only liberal politicians possess.  The real issue behind the violence in our country?  The media—it’s “what they’re hearing over the airwaves.”  

Now I know what’s going through your head.  You’re tempted to think she’s on to something.  That perhaps she’s glimpsed something the rest of us have suspected for four decades, but were afraid to articulate for fear of offending our ex wives, adolescent children and Jesuit university religion professors, namely that the demise of Christian values reflected in the liberal media’s lust for blasphemies, fornications, and sodomies, its dismissal of religion and denigration of parental, especially fatherly authority, its loathing of chastity, faithful marriage and men with chests, and its preening of solipsistic belly-button lovers and other assorted nice people, and even nicer animals, is a real problem. 

But that would be a terrible misunderstanding.  Remember, if nothing, liberal democrats are consistent.  Those happy values of our liberated compatriots are perfectly acceptable.  The real problem is conservative media!  All that darned meanness.  Shoot.  If we could just force people to be nice … we?, o yes, we politicians … then we (everybody else) could all get along.

Rep. Slaughter’s first recommendation for deep cultural reform?  Make government bigger.  Reform the Federal Communications Commission—it’s “not working anymore.”  Gosh, the answer is so obvious that most of us would never have dreamed of it.  Let’s follow the yellow bricks a bit.  We appoint Rosie O’Donnell as FCC chairman, restore the fairness doctrine, decapitate conservative talk radio hosts, organize focus groups around the country to talk about being nice, especially in areas where those irascible tea partiers live, light lots of candles, hold hands and sing Kumbaya (with inclusive lyrics). 

You have doubts?  Tsk, tsk.  Foolish you.  Not only would a good vigorous communal re-singing of Kumbaya heighten the frequency of our individual energy meridians (in a spiraling fashion!), but if we hold hands, the energy would interflow between our bodies and bring into a delicate balance both our and our neighbor’s chakras, a true alchemy of the spirit.  Moreover, more government means more paychecks.  Right?  Right.  More paychecks mean more apps for my i-pad.  More apps … well, isn’t it obvious what more apps means?  More apps means more happs.  No capiche?  “Happs” is an abbreviation for “happiness-es,” the plural of happiness (used as a substantive).  Still no?  A hint?  Okay.  The greatest happiness for the greatest number.  Jeremy Bentham?  Still no?  I’ll bring it down to a college level: “and they all lived happily ever after,” with an emphasis on “all”, or most anyway.  After what?  After the conservatives were gone, dummy!  Oops.  Sorry.  That was mean.  Anyway, do you understand now?  No, not the organization of women, the utopian vision of Rep. Slaughter (whose name, by the way, before she changed it was Snuggler)?

As for the dull ones—by the way, I used to be a dull one till I started tai chi at the Interreligious Multigender-and-Generational Sexological Center for Sensitivity in Boulder, Colorado (I think it has a sister house in Cambridge, Mass)—those who think that the Jared Loughner’s of the world are bred and not born that way, that the problem starts with married couples, then families, then, well, married couples and families, those who still think that how we have sex, and with whom we have sex, and whether we have children, and how many children we have, and whether we let them watch reality tv for five hours per day, and whether we eat dinner together, and pray together as a family, and avoid vampire chick flicks, and …, those who think these things matter, well, we can let Arizona Sheriff Clarence Dupnik round them all up, with Rush Limbaugh at the head, and put them in a safe cell where they can’t do any damage.

What, you ask, do we tell the family of the motor-cycle riding, gun rights defending, conservative democrat Rep. Gabrielle Giffords?  We’ll propose an ad hoc focus group for the families of survivors of rampages complete with revised lyrics to Kumbaya.

(c) 2011 Culture of Life Foundation.  Reproduction granted with attribution required.